So it has been almost 5 years since my motherhood journey began and with it the joy of my  breastfeeding journey . And now this very week that joy has ended. Let me put it in perspective for you. Since November of 2009 I have been pregnant or breastfeeding a child, with NO break in between, until this week. I went away for a blogger conference and I came back to my almost 15 month old daughter asking for a bottle. And I have to admit I am sad, not ready emotionally for this to be the end.

I longed for my body to belong to me again, I want to wear my pre-pregnancy tops (those that don’t require access for on-the-go feedings). I want to wear a regular bra, and not worry about leaking, and engorgement.

EMOTIONALLY, I AM DEVASTATED. I want to grab her and feel her warmth, want her to latch on while sleeping. And I want to nurse her to comfort her. I don’t want her to let go. Maybe because this is the end of my pregnancy-maternity journey, since she’s my last baby, I just wanted to hold on as long as possible. I want to cherish every moment, every feeding, every bite, every cuddle.

So this morning as I cry while pumping, because I had no choice as the pain was unbearable, I long to nurse my baby. I know you’re thinking, “well if you love nursing so much why’d you stop?” Honestly, it’s time. I know she’s ready, as she’s had absolutely no problem asking for a bottle. My body is also ready. It’s time to focus on me, I guess. It’s a crossroads, when you reach the end of an era. The end of my breastfeeding journey, a beautiful one. I have nothing but amazing memories that make me yearn for another baby to nurse, but time is up. The new time has begun. Time to get in shape and not use breastfeeding as a crutch. So yes, I will cry a lot. But I will also grow. And growth is never a bad thing.

Have you been had this conflict in your life?