So it’s almost 2 am and I should be sleeping. But I CAN’T. Tomorrow my first born will be going to pre-k. Although this might not be a big deal, for me it changes everything. See, I have never been away from my boy! EVER, he’s never done classes, uniform, nothing. We’ve done baseball and zoo classes, but those were mommy and me.

I am terrified. I am a bag of mixed emotions. All day I have been preoccupied, getting ready for our trip, but in the back of my head I’ve been trying to map out my emotions about his first day at school. I think more than how I feel, I’ve been trying to figure out how he must feel. I know he’s ready. But is he really ready? Is he going to understand? Is he going to follow instructions? Eat his lunch? Is he going to call the teacher poopy head? I just wonder what a 4 year old feels like the night before he goes to school. We tried to prepare him and his brother, but I still can’t figure out if he’s excited, nervous, happy, worried.

Our school does things a bit differently. Tomorrow and Friday they have half days, but the parents are welcomed and encouraged to stay for the first hour and a half. I am already thinking about that time I will be studying him. How he acts around a new group of friends, how he settles. I will NOT cry, I will hold my tears like a champ. But somehow I can’t be sad right now. I am freaking out but with 2 other kids I can’t help to think positive and imagine how special it will be for the siblings to get that alone time. Anyways I think I will try to sleep now so I can wake up and make you a proper healthy breakfast.

Just wanted to jot down this contradiction, jumbled, rambling emotions. I think the hardest part of parenting is those milestones. Not because we are in denial of our kids growing up, is because it really does go that fast. I can still recall every single moment of my pregnancy of my labor, of his first-second-third-and forth birthday. It has gone too fast. I do find comfort in knowing and believing that I have enjoyed every step of the way. And that although things could’ve been much different, I would still love him the same way.