Is hard when you are a mom to find the validation you need that you are doing the correct thing. There is not a formula on how to raise children and with all the peer pressure it’s easy to lose yourself and your beliefs. I have always looked up to my mom. After all, she has raised what are I believe are good people. Five of them! But I wonder if time has really changed us that much when it comes to parenting, that it creates a disconnect on what I think is right and what she thinks is right. I am not going to lie, I do listen to EVERYTHING she tells me and I take it to heart. It is actually very hard for me to get over what my mom tells me, especially if she tells me I am wrong.

This issue came up recently. I think I am closest to the parenting style of attachment. I love to “wear” my babies, I breastfed all of them, we co-sleep and I try to feed them organic as much as I can. The way she raised us was the normal way. Whatever normal was in the 80’s and 90’s. And I have no complains about the way I was raised. I think she did a fantastic job, but she was not perfect.

When you are 30 something years old and you are still looking for your parents seal of approval and validation, there is definitely something that has gone wrong. So when my parenting comes into the discussion it destroys me inside. It creates in me, so much doubt that it is beyond ridiculous. I like to think I am a great mom, if only my mom thought so too it would be amazing, but sometimes when she tries to give me advice, I only hear the judgement and the negative. My mother makes me so weak.

I want to do everything she says. I really do. But I want to do them for the wrong reasons. See, I don’t think everything I do is wrong, but I just want her to say “you are fantastic you are doing an amazing job with your kids”. And the reason I want to please her is to somehow validate her own parenting. If I do what she says, she’ll know she raised me good. Maybe I don’t tell her enough how great of a mom she is. How much I need her and how much I wish she would live close to me. That I envy my siblings because they are closer to her. I wish I could hug her and kiss her and how much I want her to be with me forever.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, not sure if she’ll read it and be pissed or happy. All I know as I type this at 1:30am while crying, I am trying to figure out how to please her and how to hold on to myself. How I can bridge that gap of parenting between her parenting and my parenting. I don’t understand. I really don’t. Sometimes I feel I take it to personally, but sometimes I also feel she’s just set in her own ways. This is the biggest challenge, making someone who you love understand and accept when your ways are different.