I dreamt you. I dream of you weekly. I know people think you are only in my imagination, but you are in my heart. I want you so bad. But I know is not meant to be. I wish things were different and I could feel you pressing against my tummy. I wish I could hear your heartbeat. I wish I could hear your newborn cry. I wish I could hold you against my chest and nurse you. Oh how I wish to hold you tight. There are a million and one reasons why I will never feel those things. We lack space, money, help, and well having 4 kids is just scary. I know they all sound like excuses because, well they are- BUT believe me I want you. God knows I want you, but I can’t have you. I can’t have everything I want. No one can.

This week, as I read so many special friends announcing pregnancies and genders of pregnancies, I wondered what it would really be like to have you. For real. It’s not like 4 kids is unheard off in our family. Grandma 1 had 6 kids, grandma 2 had 5, my mom had 5 and my sister has 4. BUT, is not all about me and what I want. I know your dad has a lot on his plate taking care of us and giving us this nice life where I get to stay home and enjoy every single minute of the day with your siblings. I don’t know if I could take care of you the same way. I know God would provide financially if you were to be, but it’s a risk. I finally started working on me. My body who housed all of your siblings and my business. I know I wouldn’t be able to do all of it. I would be so obsessed with you that nothing else would matter, so the business would be out the door and my weight would be unimportant. But my physical and mental health require me to take care of those things so I can take better care of our family.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just felt I needed to stamp a date on these feelings. I think everyone that knows me, knows I would give up anything for another baby. Another chance to experience the MOST amazing feeling in the world of growing and birthing a child. Having a baby has been, without a doubt, the best experiences of my life. I enjoyed every pain and ache and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I know after this week I will probably feel differently and maybe next year, I won’t even remember this moment. But I need you to know it could be 50 years from now and I would still want you. I still feel you.
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